I don’t know how many stories I’ve read on social media and LinkedIn recently about people struggling under the changes they’ve been facing during Covid, but it’s clear that it has hit people hard. The intention when I started writing this wasn’t that this is another one of those stories, but it has made me think about where people get support.
However, I am going to mention my experience with moving jobs and the impact of Covid for some context! I had just handed in my notice and was working through this when the first stages of lockdown hit Jersey, and I was identified as someone who needed to work from home straight away. Not everyone was home working at that stage, but my wife set up in the office and I got the back breaking dining room table! That was a joint decision by the way, she was flat out as a Director in her business planning for Covid, while I was on my way out of my organisation so still busy supporting people but no longer a member of any crisis management team. This was a relief as normally I’d be in amongst it all and involved in the decisions, but I think that was my first realisation that things really had changed.
I worked my last few weeks in the company spending a lot of time on video conferences (as most of us have I’m sure), still supporting my team and being there for them. My leaving do was a quick all company Zoom call because we were in full lock down by then, and then that was it. I have to say my back was struggling with the dining room table and chairs by that point, so I was glad to be finished even if sad to be saying goodbye to the people. The plan had been to take a couple of weeks off once I left the business for some much needed rest, then head off on our holiday abroad for a couple of weeks before coming back and launching the new business.
Covid had other ideas!
I was suddenly torn and realised I had absolutely no idea how not to be busy! The first Monday after I’d left my COO role I was designing my website, and on one of the very few occasions my wife left the office she reminded me politely that I was supposed to be taking a break! I just didn’t know how.
I played at the website a bit, but my wife was absolutely right. I had given everything I had to my former company through several years of turbulence and I was completely exhausted. However, switching off was so much more difficult than I thought it would be. I had gone from full days in meetings, working on complex and sensitive issues and supporting a set of teams I was still passionate about, to complete radio silence.
I love working with people, but I’m not someone who needs lots of people around me. In fact my Myers Briggs profile is slightly introverted, I get my energy from time alone. However, it had gone from extreme to the other and I suddenly realised I had lost most of my support network and felt incredibly isolated.
My recommendation is don’t start a new business during a pandemic! Actually, that’s not true. I’m delighted I’ve made the move and excited about the future, so this isn’t a story of woe in any way. I know there are so many people much worse off than me, and it’s heart breaking to see people out of work and businesses going under. It just made me realise that I hadn’t planned as well as I thought I had, and I realised too late that my support network was bound to change as I made the transition.
Leadership Can Be Lonely
When I really thought about it, my support network had been small for quite a while. Leadership can definitely be lonely as there are so few people with whom you can really discuss any issues or concerns, or where you feel you can be vulnerable and admit your struggles without undermining your position as a leader. The teams all look to you and it can be hard to show your true feelings, particularly on the decisions you haven’t agreed with but need to follow through on. There are also all sorts of confidentiality concerns and things that would be inappropriate to discuss. Thankfully I was very lucky to have a brilliant HR Director (or Chief People Officer I think was her actual title) who was a great listener, my wife who was in a similarly senior position as a Director in her company so knew first-hand some of the challenges, and my family who I could talk to.
When I started out on my own for the first time everyone else was flat out busy as their jobs hadn’t changed. I wasn’t there day to day any more, so why would they notice that I was struggling? People I had been in touch with every day suddenly disappeared from view but there was no malice or lack of thought involved, they had plenty of their own issues and crises to deal with.
What was really heart-warming was when I published my LinkedIn status update explaining why I had left, as I hadn’t been able to while still in the business. The number of messages of support and people getting in touch who I wouldn’t have expected to hear from was amazing. When I published my first blog about making big decisions I had even more people reach out to me, and it was only then that I realised I hadn’t actually ever asked anyone for any help!
This really helped, and I soon got going when I realised I had some support and encouragement. I decided that rest and relaxation wasn’t actually what I needed right then and started to work on my business. It was exciting to be doing something, and not tiring in the same way as my previous role even though I was still working hard. I still felt isolated but at least I was being productive. I had tried to change everything about my world in a very short space of time rather than ease myself in.
Maybe the issue is that when we need help the most we are least likely to ask? I’d be interested to know if that’s the same for you?
I think in my case I had been so used to carrying a lot of the burden in a senior leadership role that it felt like that was what I was supposed to do. I had created my own problem and didn’t even think about looking anywhere else for support, and yet my experience has been that as soon as you mention it or reach out there are so many people willing to listen and help.
Where To Get Support?
I’m lucky that when I have been in leadership positions that I have had people around me who spotted some of the signs when I was struggling and would lend an ear or push me without me really having to ask. I was really lucky. I know not everyone has that sort of support, and I know how much I missed it once I left the business.
Funnily enough, or maybe not all that surprisingly, when I actually remember to ask for support they’re still there to help me! They just aren’t around as much to notice when I’m struggling, so I sometimes I have to put aside my stubbornness and actually ask. My experience has been that most people are happy to do this and you’re not actually burdening them at all.
It’s amazing really, as I’ve never felt burdened by anyone else when they’ve shared their struggles or asked for some support. In fact I’m only too happy to support them, yet I had created this belief that I didn’t want to burden other people! The stories we tell ourselves…. but that’s another blog… (https://www.antony-allen.com/post/the-stories-we-tell-ourselves)
I know that there are people who have gone through far worse than I have, but I suppose that's part of the point. Each of us has our own struggles, and it's easy to minimalise them because "it's not that bad". We might even be doing quite well, but even then getting some support can be hugely beneficial. A bit of positive affirmation is always welcome and helps us check that we're on the right track when we'd otherwise be out there on our own.
So, what’s the point of all this reflection? None of us is an island? We’re better together? A problem shared is a problem halved? There are all manner of cliches I could use, but these exist because there's truth in them. Really this post is about making sure you’re okay and have support when you need it.
Every one of us will go through struggles as leaders, but also as human beings. Recent unprecedented issues such as Covid have highlighted this more than ever, but even before the pandemic hit there was already so much evidence and awareness of emotional health issues, anxiety problems, stress and ill health, and it’s a real concern. Yet the pace of change and relentlessness of work is only increasing.
My challenge to anyone reading this is to really think about who’s supporting you? Who can you lean on when you need it most, and are they really supporting you? They are probably in the midst of their own issues and would support you if they were able, but have you asked, or are you waiting for them to notice? Maybe they need some support too?
I mentioned that I was really lucky, and I know that’s not the case for everyone. Even with supportive friends, family and colleagues you can still feel isolated. What I didn’t do soon enough was ask for support or look outside of my usual network, and again I wonder if that’s because I’m just not good enough at asking for help. I have a certificate in counselling and am a member of the Association for Coaching while completing my ILM qualification, and yet I didn’t even consider getting any help from anyone else!
I’m pleased to say that I’m doing it now, and even after just the first coaching session I felt so much better. My coach didn’t give me the answers, she supported me to find them for myself, but having someone who was safe, who I could talk to confidentially, and where I didn’t carry my worry of being a burden allowed me to make huge progress really quickly. I realised sometimes I just need to get on with things instead of putting them off, and that it’s okay to ask for support. She helped me and continues to help me with a lot of other things too, but I honestly don’t understand why I didn’t do it sooner.
I think there’s a danger that we can get put off asking for support because we’re worried about the time or cost, or don’t know who to ask, or maybe we don’t even see that we need it. I think the emotional damage and physical cost of stress, isolation and relentlessness only increase the further you go up the leadership chain. This potential toll far outweighs a small investment in time and money to have someone listen, challenge you and support you, but I appreciate this isn’t always easy for everyone. I’m a huge advocate of coaching and yet I never invested in myself while I was in Managing Director or COO roles, and I look back now and wonder why not? I genuinely believe it would have been an investment that repaid itself over and over again, and might have taken some of the pressure off the rest of my support network too!
There are all manner of coaches, counsellors and other professionals out there who can help you and really listen when everyone else is busy, and I encourage you to really plan and nurture your existing support network, but also to reach out wider if you can. Leadership can be a lonely place and it’s ok to ask for help and make sure you have support.
If you’re able to, try and make sure you’re supporting others too. You probably already are. During times of unprecedented change and uncertainty it can make a world of difference, it certainly did for me.
If you’d like to find out more about coaching or leadership and how I can help, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. Thanks for reading.
Коментари